Sometimes if you look deep enough ...

Did I ever tell you that this is where I come to esacpe, to write my most secret thoughts? I didinèt think so but it is... lets make things clearer, my girlfriend cheated on me awhile back and I forgave her because either Im a pushover or I really do love her enough to try and work it out. ANYWAYS ever since she cheated on my people such as my Aunt,my parents, my grandmother and some select friends have been saying that I should have broken up with her, that Im letting her walk all over me... I love my girlfriend and I know what she did was wrong, so does she and she has assured me that it will never happen again. My heart and my mind are fully in this relationship and losing her would be losing a part of me, I tried to explain this to those various people but they dont undertand. I dont know what to do anymore, I could sit back and continue to put my entire heart into this relationship and worry about if Im going to get hurt again  or I can pull myself out of it and hurt both of us. In the end someone always ends up hurt but I have faith in this relathionship, I want to fight for this girl because shes worth fighting for ... I just dont know if lossing her or loosing family is worse.

I'm not so sure anymore, I'm not really sure of anything these days. Perhaps this is just the tumour talking but really and truly I am starting to believe the depression in me is trying to fight it's way back. I don't want this, I don't want to have another relapse. Dear best friend if you are reading this I want you to know that I will be fine. I am considering talking to a counsilar (counsellar?) again this time though to forever end the cutting and to stop my drug abuse. I've started getting into worse drugs... it started with weed then moved onto coco puffs, which, if you don't know is weed and cocaine mixed. I then moved onto sniffing pills. I downed 24 pills and forefully puked them up. I am terrified to admit this but I believe that I am going to end up failing myself again and this time I won't be waking up. I can't though, I can't kill myself. Why? well it's for the simple fact of this, my death would hurt people, people I love and that is something I cannot do, it would also mean that I am giving up, something I don't want to do and to be honest I would chicken out. I HATE that I'm so deranged.

"Dreams last so long, even after you're gone". I suppose it's a bad thing that I'm sitting here at 2 in the afternoon getting drunk by myself but I don't really give a fuck because I've realised a few things. #1 my best friend is now gone and I don't know when I will see her next, #2 the person I usually talk to about how I'm feeling when my best friend is not there, is now preoccupied with a boy who is 4 years younger then her, may have herpes and is 15 and physically abuses her but she doesn't seem to give a shit because she like the illegal sex she has a crush on him. #3 My girlfrien'd grandmother only has a month to live and my girlfriend is depressed and I don't know how to help her, #4 The urge to cut, to let the razor glid against my precious skin is getting harder to resist, I have dreams about lying on the traintracks and forgetting about everything. #5 I have no one to talk to about the emotions I'm having. #6 I can't have kids, and i've wanted a baby since I was 10. #7 I am extremely unhappy with the way I look to the point that I wish I was anorexic just so I could believe I was beautiful. #8 I have a tumour, #9 I get major headaches everyday. #10 the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that I'm too lazy to kill myself.

Hi there LJ I haven't updated in awhile and I thought I should get you up to date. I am now attending College and I am taking the public relations program. I have a girlfriend that I am fully committed to, and I am going to be volunteering as part of my program for Cinefest, possibly being an usher or in the media room. Basically what I'm saying is I get to see Cinefest free :) Yeppers that's right! I'm going to try to do as much of my volunteering as I can in either places like Science North, Cinefest or even helping to organize weddigns. This career is going to be like a dream come true for me! Honestly nothing has ever felt better than knowing I am capable of doing something. Did I mention that one of my mandatory courses is kind of like a self-esteem class? I'm so happy and so excited that I finally can be exactly who I am and not have to hid anything here. One of my teachers is a lesbian and has been married for 13 years that's really inspirational... it makes me, forces me to believe that the love that Chelsea and I have will still be there even after the tumour is taken care of. Oops I guess I kinda let that cat out of the bag. So here it is... I'm a little worried that because my tumour is throwing off my hormones and that beeing gay is somewhat of a hormone based thing it might make me no longer attracted to Chelsea which would indeed make me very sad. I know that when my tumour is taken care of whether it be threw medication, radiation or surgery that many things will change, some positive some maybe negative. Some of the positives will be that my period will be more regular, my boob might grow, I won't have hair growth and I will lose weight. some of the negatives may be that I might not be attracted to Chelsea anymore. Did I ever mention that I'm a worry wart? Well I am.  I'm going to probably be going to a tight and bright party tonight which should be excellent. If I go I could win a trip to Montreal which would be very exciting! Anywho I'm going to stop writting now considering I have less than an hour to get to class and I have alot of stuff to do.

Notice the title? Yah well here it goes.

- I'm turning 19 and instead of going out with friends I'm going out with adults
- my girlfriend doesn't want me hanging out with my ex, she tells me not to smoke weed then I find out shes tried it.
- I'm going to college a virgin
- STILL no updates regarding my health issues
- I basically have no money
- I'm in love and I want to spend every moment with my girlfriend but I can't
-My best friend is gone and a part of me is with her.
- I feel all angsty I WANNA CUT again but I'm forcing myself not to.
- I want things to be easier.
- I want a baby and I may never be able to have one.

Basically my heart is hurting right now and my girlfriend and I just got into our first fight.

One day I will work up the courage to finally tell the world my story but until then I'll continue to live in this facade pretending nothing is wrong hoping that one day everything will be exactly as I'd hoped.

Until that day comes though : I gave into the blade.

I don't know what got into me, I wasn't even sad or anything I sw it there and I thought why not 3 slits on my left arm that's all it took for me to realize that fighting it is getting harder. Not like a little blodd spill is going to do anything anyway afterall thursday I find out if I have cancer. Yah surprise my best friend, I kept something from you because I didin't want to hurt you but here it is the blank truth the testing the doctor sent me for was for a tumor yes, what you didin't know was that she was checking for cancer.

I don't know why I'm being such an asshole about this, I think it's because I'm scared and the only way I know how to chase away my fears is by hurting myself. Makes no sense right? Wrong it makes all the sense to me, if I focus on the physical pain I can see I don't have to focus or worry about the pain inside me.

I can't make any promises anymore because i know I can't keep them anymore, especially if the doctors tell me I have cancer. If I do have cancer I don't know what I'm going to do, how can I deal with that I'm only 18! FUCK that's all I can say.

I have one question and it's a rehtorical one " why do bad things happen to good people?" I'm starting to wonder if it's because God feels as though we can handle the bad news better or if it's because he truly doesn't make the choices.

I went to the doctor and she told me it wasn't cancer but that yes it is a tumor and hey guess what kiddo kids, hope you don't want any because there is a 96% chance you will never have any. Okay have a nice day :)

FUCK YOU!

Let's just list my "issues"
- borderline personality disorder
- clinically depressed
- suicidal tendencies
- tumor in my putitory gland
- 96% chance of never having kids
and oh yah let's throw in the bif finale
- My cousins Billy and Dylan burned and died in a fire last night. Dylan was 8 years old Billy was his dad.

Now so I don't seem melodramatic here is the "good list"
- I passed highschool and got my diploma
- I am going to college in September
- I have a girlfriend who actually loves me
-I run my own business which has become successful
- My memere doesn't have cancer
- there is still a 4% chance that I will have kids

Today is just not a great day let's leave it at that. Oh yah did I mention my best friend moves at the end of next month and I'm going to miss her?

I'm running out of time with nothing to say. I pretend that the love for you drifted away, that your my friend, the best I say but when you look me in the eye, oh when you look me in the eye I see my dreams come true, see them soar but without you my dreams become a facade. I miss you when your next to me, I miss you when your gone what ahppens when the days you are here fade away? I told you I loved you once and that is true to this day , without you by my side it feels like the colours in my life have turned to a solitude of grey.

Traintracks of my life, wasting away, lost without a whistle coming my way. You were the chime I heard every night, you were the trains whistle giving me a fright and now, you've gone and left me this way. The silence is deafining.

You're so beautiful when you weep, even more so when you sleep. You're the beauty I see in every star your the sadness I see in every scar . When I look into your eyes I see the world in a dream like state because baby when I'm with you I feel like I'm dreaming. This never ending dream is all I'll ever need as long as it contains you, the smell of you the look of you just say it's true and baby I'll be yours forever even in the worst of weather.

Well livejournal lately I've been a roller coaster of complex feelings. Perhaps I will fully explain this to you one day but right now I just needed to write those emotions and thoughts. Tell me what you think if you even bother to read them...

Hello LJ, this is kinda difficult to type right now due to the fact that I am higher than the o-zone layer. It seems like these days I'm getting high more often. Although my marks are slowly going up my life seems to be spiralling.

I lost  two girlfriends this month... both to men. The first one, Brittany Cooper the one I fell in love with? Yah she found her "soulmate", the one that is going to be her forever, always and everything.

Kasey Seaward, another girlfriend I lost ... she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend and now I'm worried. Why am I worried because she's dating another man although she loves her ex.

I've decided that I don't really believe in love, I finally allow someone to chisel through my heart of stone and they miss and shatter what little fragments of my heart that were left. Is it too much to ask for... for someone to love me and mean it when they say it? No one has ever really meant it. My friends love me but that's all I'll ever be to them is another friend, another best friend, another aquaintance. I'm still waiting for the day for that special someone to look me in the eyes and say " I really do love you, and I promise you I won't leave you."

LJ I use the drugs to escape from my own mind. When you can't even hid from yourself you become vulnerable and everyone around you takes what's left of you. I've been depressed for almost 7 years now. My depression comes an goes but lately it's be sticking around longer in the times it decides to attack me, what happens when it decides to never leave? The depression has been getting worse, seeming to control every cell in my body, taking over sending me into darkness. It's gotten so bad that even the gentle licks of a beautiful, glorious, sparkling sun won't make the pain shrouding my heart go away.

My best friend is moving in a few months and she literally has every part of me. She's experienced every part of who I am, the negative, the positive. She has seen it all, at my worst points, the highlights of my life, she has been there. I am aware that after highschool everything changes, that people move on and branch out in different areas and that even the best realtionships and friendships eventually fade. What happens though when the one relationship keeping you alive, moving forawrd in your life is suddenly gone without a way of finding that friendship?.

They say that moving on is difficult and that people struggle with it. Moving on from her  will be like making my body stop breathing, making my heart stop gently pulsing, she is the song that fills my head giving me hope.

And now that hope, that tiny glimmer in my heart is forever gone.

It hasn't even been a week and already my new girlfriend is thinking of breaking up with me. She loves her ex-boyfriend who she is living with. So life plays on again.

Prom night, doesn't sound so bad right? wrong everyone is in a giant competition to look there best, to be the prettiest, the handsomest. It's so superficial, yet I can't help but be lured by it. I want to be the one that everyone stares at, the one that finally stands out in a crowd. How do I do it though, I bought myself a nice dress it's purple and has black flowers on top and I promise it's not as lame as it sounds. I have purple jewelery and I have managed to find a worthy date who will be wearing a purple dress as well :) Let's back track I went to prom last year because it was my prom then I failed and I had to go back to school this year so I decided that it's best if I go to this prom. I have so many ideas for my hair but I don't know what one to do, should I go with a tiara? should I stick to the basics? Last year I wore a dress that cost me $3.00 that's right three dollars and guess what I bought it 3 years early. It was a little plain red cocktail dress, I made some adjustments I added a diamond button and I will probably make more adjustments. I feel as though I'm rambling but I can't help it. I'm supposed to be going on a date with a boy but the thought of it worries me because I keep thinking about how I wish he was a girl instead... am I really a lesbian? I've been wondering this for awhile now... I used to like boys, but then there were girls that came into my life. They are my secret desires, not so much secret now since i came out with my last girlfriend but at the same time I wonder what it's like to date a boy. I haven't been with one in about a year, it's awkward and I don't think I even remember how to act in a relationship with a boy. I like women, I want women yet there is something inside me that tells me to at least date one more boy to fully determine if I am a lesbian. I really wish that life had a step by step rule book. Here's a secret, in my life I pictured myself going to prom and meeting a stranger there that was just as nervous to dance as me, that when we saw each other something in us would light up and we would know that this is exactly what is upposed to happen that we are meant to be. Now more then ever I am looking forward to going to prom with my friend Kal'Daka, she's amazingly gorgeous and she doesn't even see it, she is smart, funny and is extremely caring. When I close my eyes and picture myself getting married it's to a women, I've planned my wedding, I just really want to find someone worthy enough to do it with. I'm also trying to distract myself from the fact that on June 8 ( 3 days after prom) I will be going for my MRI.


Update which is very old news I REALLY MISS MY EX-GIRLFRIEND BRITTANY COOPER. More then I've ever missed anybody, I miss hearing her voice, her lips on mine, her gentle nips, her hand perfectly fitting in mine, her slight swagger in her walk, her loud personality. I miss the smell of her like vanilla peaches, the taste of her like sweetarts, the gleam of happiness in her eyes when she saw me. I miss her, everything about her. I know she treated me bad, I know she cheated on me and is confused but I don't want anyone else but her... I fell in love with her, I want to be with her, I NEED to be with her but she has her match now, she found her one. It took me 5 1/2 years to get over my last ex and sometimes I still think about him and play the what ifs through my head. My what ifs are for her now, what happens when she stops caring, when she decides I'm not worthy talking to anymore? I'm hopelessly in love with someone who will never give a damn and thus I believe the world is cruel.

A silent night upon a shelf,
she never learned to love herself.
Hair brown as the earth,
tears bless her cheeks,
lips tuned up to hide her grief.
Silent as a lamb,
as loud as a broken voice
she looks towards the heavens and makes her choice.
No longer needed, no longer heard her life took a nasty turn.
Alive as the cold blood running through her veins,
she opens up to relieve her pain.
one cut in, two  more deep, 4 to help put her to sleep.
Her blood is ebbing all around her now and all she can say is "I don't know how"
Her eyes are fluttering, there closing now just as it's ending she hears a sound.
A soft little voice, a gentle touch says "You were loved"
Afraid of it ending she reaches her hand to the girl with the soft little hand.
One touch and it's over all it took was one simple person to take a depper look.
10 years later she smiles to herself "Thank you whoever never had a doubt."


OKay I honestly have no idea where that came from but give me an opinion? whether good or bad it doesn't matter just some insight would be nice.

Today, like many other days is just another day. Today is different for me though because today I learned that my ex-girlfriend, my love, my one or so I thought slept with her boyfriend. She just started dating him two weeks ago. Is it really necessary for me to be remind that she didin't want me anymore? I keep trying to tell myself to believe that we weren't meant to be, that maybe somewhere out there I will find my match. The more I think about it though the more I want to give up. People, friends, family, they have all told me "don't write off boys, give them a chance" why? why should I allow a boy into my life? so that I open my heart to pain again, no I think not. Although women have hurt me it seems I can deal with the pain they cause more then the rejection of a man. It's a horrible thing being in love with someone who doesn't want you in return. Life is getting harder these days, but I suppose as I was able to fight through my urges before I can fight through this time. College is coming soon, I paid my tuition I should feel like I've accomplished something yet I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I feel as though I am not worthy of happiness, I never was. sometimes I wish my mother would not have given birth to the monster I've become. Then again, the sun shinning on my back, my friends laughter, the kisses from my grandmothers that is what keeps me alive. That is what keeps me going everyday knowing that at some point during the day there will be a moment even if it lasts for only a second that I will feel happy and I will forget all of my issues and be able to help others. I wish I could say I've pulled through my depression, I wish I could say my borderline personality disorder is gone but I suppose it will be awhile before I will utter these words. I guess what I'm saying is have a little faith in me because my faith in myself is almost non-exsistent.

It's days like this that make me want to take those tylenol, it wouldn't be hard there right there in the pantry taunting me teasing me telling me that it would just be easier if I weren't alive. I've subjected myself to much worse pains before. I left the girl I am in love with because she treated me horribly yet I don't want anyone else I want her regardless of how much she treats me like crap. I need her in my life, she gave me hugs and kisses when they were few and far between, she made me happy, she made me realize that in life it's okay not to be ashamed of who you are. I like women ALOT and she help me realize that was okay yet a part of me is telling me to allow men to have a chance again. She is the first girl I came out with she is the first one I have had any PDA with and now I've ended it with her. I wish I knew if I did the right thing, everyone tells me that I have but I sit here and feel like there is a rather large piece of me missing again. Am I destined to be alone? If yes will I be able to cope with that? Will the doctors tell me I have cancer tommorrow, I've been avoiding this one, I've been telling my friends it's nothing that I'm fine not to worry that's I have non-cancerous lumps in my breats, yet I do not know this for sure. If I do how do I cope, do I tell people or do I not? Again I think about my ex-girlfriend. I want to know if this is it? will I fail in life? Will I succeed, am I going to be happy? I know you can't tell the future my friends but I want to know if out there somewhere there is someone for me, someone who won't care how I look or act, someone willing to allow me into the deepest parts of them. I guess what I'm saying is those tylenol are slowly looking better everyday. In the end though, I know I could never do that to my Grandmother.

Dear LJ I am an idiot. I am not saying this as an insult to myslef I am saying the truth because basically I put my heart out there and voila ripped apart again. I never get the good deal do I? Oh well I guess I should get used to it.

I wrote something today. I'm not sure where it came from but it came from withing me apparently. I didin't even realize what I wrote till I was finished. Here it is...

Circumstances occur that we cannot change. Some may be good, some may be bad, in my case the circumstance went as I hoped she likes me back. She's the final piece of the puzzle called my life. I may not know much about her but what I do know about her is that she is my fallen angel, my hidden secret, my every breath. It seems to me I've said this before but thy say that the 3rd time is a charm. Will she be my four leaf clover ? If every whisper was her name i think I'd live in the whispers. Her voice like the tears of heavens angels pour over me,the rain a release from the turmoil inside us. Her untrusting heart opens up enogh to let me in, I pomise to hold all the pieces together as long as you want me to. Her guarded eyes flash me a smile as the gates open up and let me in. Her lips holding back the secrets of her years part to let my mouth keep her secrets in me. Her hand soft as silk shyly slips intomine, I promise to hold you here for ever. Hait the color of the storm clouds, I promise to put a sun in your sky. The frame of her body short but standing tall like a building, I promise to stand beside you through it all.This is may not be love but I'm willing to wait and find out.

Now did any of you understand this because to me it seems I have fallen for someone again. Her name is Brittany Cooper.

The title of this journal as in my whole journal is "Sometimes if you look deep enough you will find that the answers were always there" I've found some answers and I know that some may never be answered but the fact remains that I have found some. I know now that it's okay to be upset sometimes, that nothing is perfect and that in order for me to  not think I keep myself busy with music, with my hands or with writting. I try never to think but in those moments I do it seeps out of me in the form of ink on to pages that form words I don't even know I'm writting. My best friend said it makes her sad that my hands are always busy ... I want to tell her that I'm okay, I'm content. Not overly happy or depressed but content, I am OKAY with what is happening in my life. I have some issues I am dealing with internally but I can make it through because I am much stronger now then I ever have been in my entire life thus far.

I'm in trouble with the school, the government, my friends.
I don't care about any of it though, I don't really care about much these days.
Except school, I figure if I keep doing my school work then maybe I can get somewhere.
I also have a secret .... but I can never tell.
I love her.

Here is a random little note. My best friend .... yah I can feel something happening. We are drifting and I know she will read this so darling I want you to know that I'm not going to let this happen. I've been trying to find the right words to tell you how I really feel and point blank here it is. I am in love with you, I love you and I promise you that when you move to Toronto this summer I will cry.Not because you are leaving but because you are starting a new chapter in your life. I know you can make it, and I know you sometimes don't like to believe that but it's true. Regardless of what happens or where you are I want you to know I will always be there for you to rely on. roadsidefury you are an amazing girl and you are intelligent you can do anything you put your mind too. You are entitled to happiness and you deffinately deserve way better then what anyone can give you. I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this blubber and gushy mushy grossness is I'm REALLY going to miss you. Don't ever stop believing <3

I haven't written in awhile and this makes me feel really bad. I used to write in a journal every single day but lately I have been slacking and it's not because I don't know what to write about, I have alot of stuff to write about I just don't have the drive. I suppose I should start off with the good news. I have been accepted to college and I am super excited about that I'm just a little bit worried because it means I would have to move and as you may know I don't do well being alone alot. I have official moved out of my parents house into my grandmothers and I feel certain that I will not be going back anytime soon. Don't get me wrong I love my mother but I just can't get along with her. I also feel REALLY bad because I haven't written back to my friend. I don't even feel like writting anymore. Writting is all I do so this might not be good.

The one question I have always wanted someone to ask me is are you okay, and when I answer yes I want them to say tell me the truth. In the past 18 years of my life I have still been able to make it through this question without ever giving the real answer.