Sometimes if you look deep enough ...

Mundane it's all the same.
More more more but always asking for less.
Taking less, giving less.
Letting her win you back.
Golden prize your not mine, oh but you are.
Mine is yours and yours is yours, how are you so strong
Carry on, carry on.
Coming back, heart attack.
1 less word to say.
Say goodbye, the tide is high and she's up their riding the wave.
drowned below no hope to show as I watch you dance above ...
Goodbye my love goodbye my love as my words croak out under the sea.

Have you ever read something that just so closely hit home with you that you need to talk about it? Have you ever just sat and realized that there actually are people out there that feel the same way you do. I did today while I read this, nothing has made me sit and think like this in awhile. I share this with all of you in hopes that one day you will realize truly that you are not alone.


Hello Person Who Has Their Life Figured Out,


Have you been sent to this planet to make me feel bad? I went to your apartment the other day and was overwhelmed by how grown up it felt. You had three candles burning and it smelled like stability — a scent that I can’t seem to find anywhere — and you offered me some tea (WHO DOES THAT?) and I noticed that you also had freshly cut hydrangeas on your coffee table. For the record, I also have hydrangeas on my coffee table. I bought them with a Dean & Deluca gift card I got for Christmas and I’ve found that their presence soothes me. The other day though, I knocked over the vase and water spilled everywhere. I couldn’t find a rag so I halfheartedly soaked it up with some paper towels. For some reason, I never refilled the vase so the flowers wilted and eventually died. My hydrangeas are dead. Yours are alive. They serve as a parable of my life lately, of where I’m going as a 25-year-old and where I’m not. The lesson is vague but there: I bought the hydrangeas. I couldn’t keep them alive.

You’re secretly crazy, right? Tell me you’re cray cray. Beneath the grown up apartment and copious supply of band-aids and hydrogen peroxide and the lemon water you keep in a pitcher in a fridge, you’re paying your bills late or your boyfriend is a jerk or you slept through your best friend’s birthday party, right? You’re losing it. When people ask how you’re doing, you say, “I baked fresh bread today and mopped the floors and sent an important work email. I also bought a spice rack. HAVE YOU SEEN MY SPICE RACK?” You stand there holding the spice rack motionless like it’s supposed to answer the question for me. “How do you think I’m doing? I own a freaking spice rack!”

I wish it were all a mirage, I wish this were BS posturing, but I don’t think it is. I think you’re a person who genuinely doesn’t have to worry about being on the right track and being where you’re supposed to be. It comes naturally to you. I bought the hydrangeas to be a grown up. You bought the hydrangeas because you thought they were pretty.

Your Facebook makes me feel bad about myself. I have over a thousand friends on that damn website and yet, somehow, your status updates rise to the top like a diamond rising from a sea of crap. They say a variety of different things but I read them all the same way: “Today I went important places because I’m a person who has their life figured out. I’m going to get married, have a job and be someone’s parent. Go me!” It’s so easy to make fun of someone who goes the conventional route in life. You feel almost bad for them because it might appear as if they’re just following a script. These aren’t things they necessarily want to do but they feel like they should. But you know why I can’t make fun of you, Person Who Has Their Life Figured Out? Because you’re genuinely happy. These are your choices, these are your own desires, and they just so happen to be very vanilla. You’re not struggling. You aren’t a struggler. Must feel nice.

Are you aware of any of this? Do you know that you could be a person who kills the flowers, who doesn’t burn candles, who doesn’t have a healthy lover? The thing that’s so fascinating about people who have their life figured out is that they’re rarely aware of the alternative. The right choices are effortless to make. They don’t know any different.

One day I’ll be someone who has band-aids in their medicine cabinet and has a dog and bakes bread for fun and LOLs. But that day isn’t today. I guess the one good thing about being someone who doesn’t have it all figured out is that you’re able to see real growth. The changes are palpable. You see yourself evolving, which can often be a beautiful process. I don’t have it figured out but I know more than I did yesterday. It must be boring to always know.

PLease tell me where to go from here.

So here I am it's my 1 year 7 months anniversary :) that's my one positive thing for the day so far. I'm wondering or rather worrying if the doctors will be able to fix me... if they will be able to perform the surgery so that I will be okay because I don't know how much longer I can handle this pain and feeling naseous everyday. I want to be beautiful and the only time I do feel it is when I'm with her.

Have you any idea how I feel? No and that's my fault. I complain to you and tell you I don't feel well, here's the truth though love, I feel worse then you could imagine. I feel as though every ounce of energy has been dragged out of me yet I still continue to try until I could just collapse. All I want to do is lie down and quite being a burden to everyone and just let myself finally leave this earth.

I miss you an incredible amount. I wish I could just talk to you like old times and la ugh and be giddy and forget the world exists. I wish I could just say something and you complete my sentence, or that you just knew what was going to say. I wish I could just look at you and you could read me without me having to say a word. I wish I was able to go to my home town and walk around the streets and not have memories on every corner, I wish I could hug you and tell you everything is going to be okay when you're upset and I wish I could hold you even when your not just because we're the best of friends. I wish we could go back to times of just lying on your bed listening to music, not saying a word but saying so much at the same time. It's just not the same without you here. I miss the cans of Coke, the bubble bath, random Manga. I miss the music and the stories and the just being able to talk without feeling judged. I wish that on your 19th birthday it was me that had taken you to the bar for your first drink ( in a bar lol), I wish that it was me you still confided in but the truth is ... I've lost you. Not in the sense that we're no longer friends but in the sense that you don't need me anymore like you used to. You don't need my encouragement or my crazy stories and pictures. I wish I would have told you to stay, I wish I would have told you that you moving away has been the most painful thing I've experienced. So many times I've walked by your house just to realize it's not yours anymore... and that bedroom downstairs with all the posters and books and clothes littered everywhere is no longer our hideout. I miss you .... and I've said this before but I just wish you'd come back home. I love you like the closest sibling I could every have. You are not family to me you are a part of me and without you here ... well I'm gone.


Just come home. You can bring her, your love. She makes you happy and that is good and that is as it should be. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I haven't talked to you in a year. I want you to be at my wedding standing beside me telling me I look like the princess you always knew I was. I want you to be happy for me and laugh at me when I cry because I'm marrying the person I'm in love with. I want you to be there when my child starts asking about you and where you are. I want my child to be able to go see you and you take him or her out for ice cream or to a movie or just listen to music like we did. I want to go and ride the dirty street cars with you while you read a book. I guess I just want that comfortable silence again. Some people have no idea what kind of a relationship we have, some people would believe I am in love with you. I thought I was once but you made me realize the difference between and intense love for a friend and the intense love for someone else. I hate not being able to hug you or just call and say hey I'm coming over. A part of me secretly hopes that I do get the surgery done in Toronto just so I can go see you everyday or rather you come see me everyday.

I know I'm a giant cry baby but these tears that I cry belong to you.

It's getting out of control this thirst for destruction.

The urges are getting stronger again, I can feel it's cool steely teeth on my arm gnawing at my skin asking it to open up and let it in. I can feel it bite, the familiar sting, it's razor sharp teeth digging in. I feel my skin separating allowing it to enter, allowing it to hurt me. Is it really hurting me though or am I merely hurting myself? My body cries crimson tears, as clear ones flow from my eyes. Forcing myself not to give up is getting harder. I know life is precious and so are the people inside of it, I live for them and I suppose for now that's enough but what about when it's not.

I feel like I'm losing it. I'm losing myself all over again and I don't know what to do to come back because you're everything I want and need. You are the only thing that matters to me and I'm slipping. I go to class and I listen and I try to understand but sometimes the material just passes through me, it's like I'm a ghost and every time someone reaches out they fall right through me. Why am I like this, why can't I just be normal be okay for a long period of time? It's happening again... I was doing so well no thoughts of cutting no thoughts or just leaving, and now they're all rushing back. I just want it to stop I want to actually be able to not worry about the future about if I'm going to be like my mom and drive you away. I want to be able to ... just be.

I'm not feeling good inside ... it's better to write then to keep it in though so here you go world know everything. I just wish I could make her laugh and blush like she can ... but I can't, I can't make her feel happy when she's having a shitty day and what hurts the most is that someone else, so far away can make you giggle, laugh, smile and blush more than I can and I'm right here. When you talk to and see her though it's as if the whole world slips away and it's just you two and that is the biggest pain in my heart that I've ever felt. No I don't care if you talk to her, and I absolutely do not care that you get super excited when she comes down but I'm wondering... what if I disappeared would you be giddy and happy when I came around, would I be able to make you laugh as much as she does? what happened to us... what happened to you being blushy and laughing and being excited to see me... because I still get butterflies when I'm around you and maybe they're not noticeable but, i see them explode when she's talking to you and I'm wondering where are mine, where are the little balls of light when you're talking to me ... I know you didn't mean to but you've dimmed out the lights and I'm fighting in the dark just to find your chocolate eyes ... and I miss you because walking around day and night, being blind isn't too much fun when you can see the light illuminating in someone Else's eyes for you and all you can think to do is smile and laugh you may not realize it but I'm losing you too fast.

I wish I could just make you see what you do to me, make you see how shitty you make me feel. I'm a good person Mom and I honestly do love you no matter how bad things get I will always love you but you telling me you won't come to my wedding because you hate my fiance and then kicking me out because I said I don't want you in my life then that hurts. Did you EVER stop and look at any of the good things like not cutting? Did you see that I'm going back to school, I'm eating healthier and I even have a job where I'm going to need to look pretty all the time, no you didn't. Did you see how happy I am the smile that always on my face because of her.... no because she's not a boy and it's wrong for me to be in love with a girl. I write to you on here because I can't have you in my life anymore because having you in my life will destroy me. Thanks for promising me that everything will be okay, that one day someone will make me truly happy you were right for once and that person is Sylvie she means everything to me and if you cannot accept me for who I am then what's the point of trying. You told me that when you love someone to never let them go to keep trying always and then you tell me to give up. You confuse me and I'm not sure where to go from here at all because I don't know what to believe anymore I don't know how to feel or to think all I know is today not only did I lose you but I lost my dad because he loves you and will stand by you no matter what just like I'm standing by my future wife. I'm going to say it right here right now living at home with you is the worst mistake I could have ever made I moved out because living there made me want to die made me want to cut myself and today you looking me right in my eyes and saying No I don't like her and that's one wedding I won't attend is the same equivalent to me as being shot. I have never in my entire felt so hurt, so unwanted and so useless. I think you should know this as well, my sickness as in tumor that's in my brain is getting worse how do I know well I passed out and fell on the floor in the canteen. I don't expect you to like my fiance but I do expect you to respect me enough to not talk shit about her. I feel as though you are doing everything so that I am no longer with Sylvie. Would that make you happy? Would it make you happy to see me truly miserable and crying and so devastated? You have never taken into consideration my thoughts and feelings and I think that it's time you do. When you are ready to act like an adult and apologize for what you've said then maybe we can work on being a family but right now... I don't have a mother and father.

I wish I could just make you see what you do to me, make you see how shitty you make me feel. I'm a good person Mom and I honestly do love you no matter how bad things get I will always love you but you telling me you won't come to my wedding because you hate my fiance and then kicking me out because I said I don't want you in my life then that hurts. Did you EVER stop and look at any of the good things like not cutting? Did you see that I'm going back to school, I'm eating healthier and I even have a job where I'm going to need to look pretty all the time, no you didn't. Did you see how happy I am the smile that always on my face because of her.... no because she's not a boy and it's wrong for me to be in love with a girl. I write to you on here because I can't have you in my life anymore because having you in my life will destroy me. Thanks for promising me that everything will be okay, that one day someone will make me truly happy you were right for once and that person is Sylvie she means everything to me and if you cannot accept me for who I am then what's the point of trying. You told me that when you love someone to never let them go to keep trying always and then you tell me to give up. You confuse me and I'm not sure where to go from here at all because I don't know what to believe anymore I don't know how to feel or to think all I know is today not only did I lose you but I lost my dad because he loves you and will stand by you no matter what just like I'm standing by my future wife. I'm going to say it right here right now living at home with you is the worst mistake I could have ever made I moved out because living there made me want to die made me want to cut myself and today you looking me right in my eyes and saying No I don't like her and that's one wedding I won't attend is the same equivalent to me as being shot. I have never in my entire felt so hurt, so unwanted and so useless. I think you should know this as well, my sickness as in tumor that's in my brain is getting worse how do I know well I passed out and fell on the floor in the canteen. I don't expect you to like my fiance but I do expect you to respect me enough to not talk shit about her. I feel as though you are doing everything so that I am no longer with Sylvie. Would that make you happy? Would it make you happy to see me truly miserable and crying and so devastated? You have never taken into consideration my thoughts and feelings and I think that it's time you do. When you are ready to act like an adult and apologize for what you've said then maybe we can work on being a family but right now... I don't have a mother and father.

I don't know where home is anymore, I used to believe that a home was made up of 4 walls. Then I started to believe in love and I believed that love is what home was but now I have no idea where home is or what it is. I still believe in love but I can feel my internal walls shooting up inside me and I don't know what to do because it was Sylvie that busted through them and now she's slowly building them right back up again. It's not really her fault though it is most certainly mine. I truly believe that I'm going to lose her because of my stupidity.

So here it is my big confession all over again, when I went to sign into facebook at my house there it was Sylvie's facebook already signed on and there old conversation just sitting there. Me being the curious idiotic being I am I read the conversation and once again found out things I didn't want to know. You want to know so badly what Emily thinks of when she's thinking of sheep? It's you, you friggin' buffoon! I KNOW you're not stupid and I know that you're thinking the same thing so why ask do you want her to tell you she still loves you, so that you can feel all horrible and guilty inside? ALSO that dream you had why didn't you talk to me about tell ME your FIANCE that you feel that if you would have been with her maybe she would have stayed. You're absolutely right about one thing though it does look very very bad and here's what I say to you Sylvie Noelline Legault... take the time you need to figure this shit out, to figure out why you still think about her, why you are so damn curious, take the time to sit down and talk to her about everything you felt/ may still feel and everything she felt/may still feel, because I cannot handle knowing that at some point when Emily comes down you would have went to coffee with her and you would have told me you talked about nothing when really you talked about the most important things. So Sylvie when you talk to her if something happens, if your heart leaps up out of your throat and you want to kiss her to feel her arms wrapped around you go for it because I don't want you to be held back or feel bad for having feelings about someone. I love you Sylvie always will but I don't plan on sharing my future wife's heart or mind with someone else so if your heart is elsewhere please, please explore it now so that one day I won't have to explain to anyone why you don't love me anymore. Think of this as a relationship hiatus, we are still together but you have all the liberties as if you were single, no guilt :) that's what you want isn't it?


I love you, I'm very angry and I'll probably regret this later but I'm not going to delete this because I'm tired of hiding how I'm feeling.